Change is good

Where do I begin, a lot and I mean a lot has transpired since my last blog. Trey and I got married on 9/3/14 and that was the beginning of our life together. Even though we were together 11 years by that point in time, now fast forward to day, we are together 13 years and have just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary. August was a trying month to say the least, we have been both dealing with issues, one mainly that Trey is bipolar and has been newly diagnosed in the beginning of the year, so I have had to learn to tailor my way of dealing with emotions/non emotions, and it has been a battle to say the least. Just as I thought I have conquered one hurdle, I was thrown for a loop, (well not really) but yea I was. Trey came out to me that he is trans and does not feel comfortable in his body, and would like to now transition. I have had mixed emotions about this because in the past I have been with partners and they have wanted to do the same thing. I think it is who I am drawn too. Now not too many people know as this is still new and he is in the process of searching out endocrinologists etc to start the process. What I find most interesting about this was that after Trey came out to me, he was expecting one, for me to run, and leave which I have no intentions of doing, and 2 that he feels so much more at east, and freeer (sp) if that is a word). It is hard to explain, and what I am curious about is that I am seeing no signs of bi-polar. So that has me baffled as to whether the emotions/non-emotions, anger, etc all have to do with this battle of 10 years that he has been dealing with and not being able or feeling safe to bring it out in the open. Fast forward again to today, where I feel more perfect and in love with Trey then I ever have. It is like our relationship started a new, a new beginning, a new ending and a new world of wonder. This is all still a learn in progress for me, as I have been doing research left and right about this, and I think I am over obsessing with this, but I have joined some FB support groups , Partners of FTM, Wives/Spounses of FTM and they have been very helpful. I am excited and nervous for this next step into the unknown, but as long as I provide a safe space for Trey and our lines of communication remain open, we will continue to be unstoppable.

Sucking the most out of life…

This is my motto and one I have strived to keep shooting for. From my previous blogs, you can tell I am a worrier, a planner and a mountain mover. I am still going to be that, but I hope to soon remove the worrier from my head, but it is hard. I usually keep things to myself, and only a few know my insides…which come out every now and again when my head is so full to the point of bursting. Why is it that I hold things in, I know it can’t be healthy, but I start each day with a new slate and say, this is going to be a good day and I try to stick to it, but I can’t help if things surface and consume my thoughts. I’m also a runner, I either block it out of my head and do not deal with it, or I feel like I could escape and just run somewhere. Not sure where I would run, or that I even would, it just sometimes it gets so bad in my head I’m not sure where to go. I feel like I have lost my happiness along the way, along this path of worry. I remember years ago, I would worry, but not to the extent I do now, maybe it is because I feel like I am standing in the middle of a very large puddle, and I don’t want to get my shoes wet in the process. So I either will stand there and not move, or hope and wish that I could jump far away, far enough that nothing could bother me. I wish I could find this happiness again…instead of having my head be filled with conversations, spinning wheels and memories of days gone by…*sigh* So much for removing the "worrying" aspect of my life...

Roller coaster of life, love and happiness

Wow how time flys when you are living life. I of all people need to keep reminding myself to live, live, live. I am a perpetual worrier and planner, so I’m either worrying about something that hasn’t come or is yet to come, or is dreamt up in my head, or I’m planning things, planning vacations, planning dinner, planning plans…can anyone tell I’m a virgo? Anyways, I thought it was time to update my lil blog that really has no followers, so in all actuality, I’m talking to myself, but it is a release and a calming mechanism at that, so sit down party of one and enjoy the post. My last post was back on Mother’s day and a lot has transpired. My father has a permanent residence at the nursing home due to his Parkinsons and now that dementia is slowing setting in. My mother always says he is this way and he is another way, but when I am around him, he seems normal and talks just like he always did. I personally think’s he does it for some sort of attention, or a way to get back at my mother, but she really had no other choice other than to have him taken care of this way. She cannot do it all by herself, and their place is too small for any type of wheelchair movement at all, so I suppose this is the way it has to be. I do have some animosity about the situation, but I normally do not air my private life to everyone and I rarely talk about this situation even to my partner. It is my feelings that I keep inside and I block them out when it comes to dealing with daily life. If I bring emotions into the picture I become consumed and we all know how Virgos deal with things. Anyways, on our “house” note, we have really been busting our butts getting our kitchen remodeled. It is our “work in progress”. We have all the upper cabinets in place, we have two 3 base cabinets in the garage, so we now need a new sink, counter top and dishwasher, then floor comes after that. We got a new stove, and installed an over the stove microwave, so now we are now painting and it looks absolutely fabulous. We have chosen a sage/mossy green wall paint and a cabin red trim, which is above the cabinets and will be the trim. We also installed a new door frame on one of the doors. So we have 2 other door frames to redo. I could seriously work in the house all day and not be bored or feel the need to interact with anyone. (A.D.D. moment coming) I am just like that, and I think it partially comes with age. I mean I love the friends that we have, because at this time in our lives, the friends we have around us are genuine ones. Not the fake friends that you meet and then leave or disappear into oblivion. I know for a fact that there are about 4-5 of our close friends that we can count on at any given time, and you know what I am ok with that. (back to the regularly scheduled program) We have tackled the canning season with full steam ahead motion. We made tons of homemade spaghetti sauce, I made homemade pear vanilla jam that is so so good and full of rich flavor that mmm it just makes me all yummy inside. I also tried my first hand at making homemade hummus as well as my pita chips. I like to stock up for the winter, I love to do frugal things, and I love to know that if we want it can happen. I am a very self-serving person. I would prefer to do it myself than to wait for someone else to do something for me, hence why we are doing all these house projects. (A.D.D. moment again) Yes they are not completed to my standard of “time frame” but you know what, it keeps us busy, and in the end it will be all the better because we know we did everything ourselves, from painting to redoing the bathroom downstairs, to plumbing, to putting in the patio outside, to installing a new ceiling in the living room (removed the drop ceiling) to laying hard wood floor, to redoing the bathroom upstairs and installing floor and new sink in there. The list is endless and this blog is so scattered and endless that you are probably thinking I’m a hamster in a habitrail, but my blog reflects my head, which reflects my thoughts which is in a round about way, me and my life. So yea, that about sums up my spinning thoughts for the day.

Take me away.....

Well well well, Today is just another day, but to me it is the day before the weekend which in turn is “Mother’s day”. Yay me, yay for spending quality family time with the ones I love the most. Lord knows I need some fun time as work has been knocking me out lately, as well as the health of my father. In the hospital out of the hospital, in rehabilitation center, out of rehab center, back home, falls, back in hospital, and the cycle continues. I blew up at my mother 2 days ago, and I did feel bad about it after the fact but after holding everything in for so long, it had to come out and it came out in the shape of a Lion over the telephone. I definitely have my father in me when it comes to my bluntness. But sometimes when you talk all nice and comforting like no one hears you until you blast it into their ear and I did, I blasted so loud, I had my heart racing. I then had to take a few deep breaths after the telephone conversation ended just so I could get back to my normal place. Of course I apologized to her the next morning, and stated that I needed to say what I said, and get it off my chest. I won’t repeat myself. What she does with the information I told her, she will do, what she won’t do will just be that. Sometimes you just need to say things to feel better, but sometimes I feel like, don’t tell me so my sanity remains. Ya know? Anyways, I know the inevitable and I am dealing with that, her on the other hand blah blah blah. So back to the “fun weekend” that we have planned. It may just be the normal yard sale adventures, or going out to Chili’s for our Queso, but it’s the consistency of it all, that is the best way to keep a family going. If you have nothing to look forward to then why do you live? I do know I’m looking forward to heading to Williamsburg the end of the month. We do this vacation every year, and we always have so much fun. I love the history and architecture that Williamsburg has not to mention we always hit the yummy “Cheese Shop” the first full day we are there to go get our cheese and wine and sit and watch the people. Ah…take me away….

It's a new day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, I’m starting anew…It is gorgeous outside, and I’m going to make everything about today and the next days positive. We have had some down moments in our families recently from Heathers’ grandfather being in the hospital since February 1, my dad’s health and dealing with Parkinson’s and dementia; my mom’s health with caring for my father, and just last Friday, Heather’s Aunt Peggy passed away suddenly without any warning. So after going to a viewing last night and putting myself in the shoes of others…I cannot even fathom the idea of what I have in my future, but I’m going to try very hard to be optimistic and believe that I have lots of good times and good days left to spend with the ones I love and cherish with all my heart. So even though today is the funeral, I am at work as I couldn’t get off work due to her not being a “relative” and not having enough vacation time to take without jeopardizing my days already scheduled, I’m going to try to make the best out of a sad day. I’m going to try to block the sadness and the thoughts that always surface one way or another, but they are now blocked in my head, so I’m done talking about hospitals, death, dying, sickness and any other stress that accompanies this. “It’s a new day……”

Weekend wishes

Today I’m in a pretty good mood, its Wednesday, it’s the middle of the week, I’m in a groove at work, and I’m looking forward to our weekend. We are planning on going to the Puppy Pasta dinner on Friday, it is the Cumberland Valley Animal Shelter’s fund raiser. We have gone every year, so it is a kind of a tradition, its very low key, but we always go to the events the shelter has, so it is definitely for a good cause. This weekend in Chambersburg is the annual Ice fest, which we go to. There are sculptures through out the town, not to mention we hit up all of our favorite thrift stores in town, so we kinda make a day of it. This past weekend we found a hidden gem in Chambersburg, it was a local farmer’s market, where we got the best deals on fresh meat and that is where we bought the chipped beef that I made last night for dinner. It was less saltier than the store bought kind, plus everything I made was from scratch, so no prepackaged crap. We also will head to Sears to pick up our over the stove microwave that we had on layway, so it will be just another notch closer to the kitchen cabinets being installed on that one side of the wall. We need two more cabinets, so I’m hoping with my tax refund and my bonus in March, we will be able to secure a bunch of stuff for the house. My plan is, now this is only a plan, but I want to order 3 windows for upstairs in our room. When we first purchased the house that was the first thing we did was get new windows downstairs, minus the laundry room and side room windows because there is like fifty million windows on the first floor alone. So we kept it in the back of our heads that we are doing it in stages, well just so happens the 2nd stage is this year. Our projects are fluent but stop and go, only because money becomes a factor and I’d rather pay things in cash then try to go in debt for items. This is the new year, so I’m going to keep things going on a good track. Anyways, after we pick up the microwave, I want to make some homemade laundry detergent again. I have been making the liquid kind since 2008 and now I saw a recipe for making a years worth of detergent for $30.00, but it is the dry kind, so I’m going to try that. Frugal, that is the key here people, remember that! Plus I’d like to make some homemade dog biscuits from this book I have. If H is better, we are planning on going out on Saturday night with friends, to dance and shoot pool, and maybe, just maybe my other half will not be drunk on rum and coke the next day. Sunday is the super bowl and it is normally a low key day for us, we do stuff around the house, and I’ll be making wings and going to try those potato skins

and maybe some of that pizza dip I saw recipe for. So this is what I look forward to, to get me thru the week, and to keep me sane. Lets just hope everything continues as planned and runs smoothly, because I’m a creature of reaction, of something throws me off, my mind goes helter skelter!

Perspective

There are times in life when perspective comes into play and you take a step back and say “wow”, you are my everything!!! It’s so hard to explain unless you have been there and felt the same thing that is going on inside my heart. It’s almost to the point that like I’ve said before, it’s that “overwhelming feeling again”. She knows what I am referring to. If you have never had the chance or stumbled upon these kind of feelings, they are like a champagne glass bubbling over. It brings you back to the time back when you first started “hanging out” and if your fingertips graced upon one another in passing, or when you look into the eyes and see deep inside that person’s soul, when thoughts are completed before you ever have the conversation…even memories seem more vibrant…sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who rambles like this but its ok, because anyone who knows me, just “considers the source”. I’m usually the sarcastic friend, the friend who is a fly by the seat of my pants type of personality, you never know what I’m going to same, but when I do say something it usually what others are thinking and are afraid to say, so in instances where I am “sappy” just take it as it is… and enjoy!